Growing Up

I never thought I would be this happy...

I have had miscarriage since getting married, but we are going stronger than ever. Wayne and I were both shocked to learn that I had a miscarriage. (Thanks body I blessed out Clear Blue for nothing.) We stood around a day talking about it and crying. But after a friend told me to give myself a just a day to complain and cry about it I felt better, because that's exactly what I did. (Thank you +Odette). I am only writing about it here to let people know. When people bring it up now I no longer hurt or pine for them to talk about it. 

Wayne and I have moved on and we have fixed our focus on more important things. People think we are being insensitive to people who are infertile or have multiple miscarriage. What they don't understand is that this is my third one, but it is my first one with Wayne. So for what anyone knows I may not be able to give birth to children. But that isn't stopping me from being a mom. 

This little one is what makes me world stop instantly. Cry, laugh, coo or say Mama... My world stops so I can listen more carefully. She is funny because she doesn't take to normal things. Her friend Eloise makes her giggle and laugh more and more. We love spending time with Aunt MayAn Uncle Fankie and Elloee. 

As for me and Wayne. We have been decorating our new house and preparing for everything. We have two dates a week. It feels good to finally find where I belong. I no longer feel like an outsider trying to fit in with everyone. I just fit. Thank God for everything you have given me. I know how blessed I am. 

I mean hello, Erica and Mary Ann have me cleaning house... Who would have thought?

Fresh Start Challenge Day 30: Then, Now, and Soon

Dear 15 year old self:

You really don't have it so bad. Sure you go to all girls school but it's not so bad I promise. We did good only inhaling once on the weed. Bad job on picking up smoking though. And eh on the drinking. It's not terrible like the smoking was on us.

Don't worry about the acne scars trust me there will be other scars to come that are far worse and way more embarrassing. I'm glad that you made it. And seriously grades don't make the person.


Dear me:

I know I give you a hard time on yourself all the time. But in order to be where we are now I had to be. We've come a long way in the past two years, got away from him, stop smoking, and got a better job. You have gotten over the miscarriage and the scariness of being alone. Now you are married, have a precious daughter and are building a new house. You exercise and attempt to eat right and you are finally hanging out with a good crowd.


Dear future me:

Well you have done the best you can. You've cried, screamed, and laughed. Don't stop dreaming and believing in things. Move on through life with the spirit of being 20 again. Yes you have fine lines and have babies and children that keep you from a nice clean house that was built 15 years ago but hey that's life. You wanted it like I want it. Lol just remember who to keep first and love Wayne with the rest of your heart.

Fresh Start Challenge Day 27: You Gotta Have Faith

First I have to explain about the above picture... She was chasing a duck after the reception today and all I could think about was something very inappropriate.... +Bridgitte will appreciate this.

WARNING LANGUAGE!

So at any rate Faith means the world to me. First God lives in my heart, Wayne is most of my heart, then there is Faith, and the rest of my family. 

Faith was so unexpected in my life. She showed Wayne that he need to work in his life and not think he had everything made just because he was a preacher. He is interesting man and so his daughter is just as curious. I may be blood related to her in some way even though she is not mine but in my heart she is completely mine.

I love her curiosity and her little ways. 

Fresh Start Challenge Day 25: Sincerely Lillian

Dear Charlene aka Mom,

Thank you for taking me in when you didn't have do so. I am grateful for you caring for me all my life and giving me everything I need and want in life. I was very privileged to live as your daughter. You gave me the most out of my life and really made me feel like your daughter and not an extra.




Dear Pappie,

Meeting you for the first time totally changed my life. That's when I started believing in God. You were the first one to really make me think about having faith and about the Bible. The journal you gave me is completely filled out but is still beside my bed because it helps me through so much in life now. Thank you for showing me how to walk in faith.


Dear Faith,

You changed my world the moment you were left with Wayne. You showed me how being a mom felt and I cannot get enough of that feeling; especially since I had lost my own. You make me feel like I can save the world because you come running to me with your small fixable problems and then you give me that carefree grin and I lose all bad and negative thoughts. I love you as if you are my true own and nothing will separate us as a family again.


Dear Mom & Dad,

I've been wanting to write you for a year now. I wonder if I am the person you want me to be. I know you looked down on me and see the bad choices I have made. I know I concern you all the time. I do feel like I am doing better in the since of making better decisions. I know when to tell people no now and my backbone is cement strong now. Thank you for giving me life and I cannot wait to meet you one day.

Fresh Start Challenge Day 16: My 1st Mother's Day

It was an amazing day for me! One I wasn't prepare or expecting. I woke up to my phone going off around 6 AM with Wayne telling me he was coming upstairs (I live with my sister still) and that I had better be decent. I, of course, wasn't.

He brought McDonald's and Faith brought me presents, cards, flowers and a balloon. My present was a Pandora bracelet. This one is the one I have been wanting. This is the complete silver one. The one I had been wearing was leather. This is gorgeous! I love the mommy charm he bought and the Fairy and Faith one.

We had a special mother's tea after church and it was fantastic. I loved it more than I thought I would. I definitely believe that being a mom is well worth all the grime, gripe, and grinds on the nerves.

Fresh Start Challenge Day 15: Fünfzehn

1. I have let go of the past. I haven't forgotten it but I have let it go.
2. I have helped many people along the way in my healing journey.
3. I have discovered my creative side.
4. I am not afraid to show my scars inside and out.
5. I am a mom to a wonderful little girl that runs away with my heart every day.
6. I have stuck with running even when I was alone.
7. I have learned to do the hobbies I love and wanted to learn.
8. I love my hair! It usually does what I want it to do.
9. My body is pretty flexible.
10. I have the ability to say no.
11. I only take so much then I call people out on their bullshit.
12. My handwriting
13. Seeing the world is being accomplished!
14. I am learning that Christmas is wayyyyy better than Halloween.
15. I am learning how to cook all kinds of yummy things.

Fresh Start Challenge Day 14: Bib Crazy

Faith is like her daddy in the fact that she is a messy eater so having a bib is a must. This idea above has saved me several headache ever since I came across one day on Pinterest. Just give a hook with the double sticky foam and wham where you need the bibs. I like having Faiths on the back of her high chair because we put her there a lot. It works out beautifully. This makes me a happy momma.